I'm so tired of life.
I'm so tired of being torn into pieces.
I'm so tired of being stuck in the middle.
I'm so tired of being...helpless; not helpless to myself, but helpless to everyone else.
Mostly, i'm so sad and heartbroken.
I feel sorry for my sister, because she's sick. Because she's damaged and because she does not know what it is to feel compassion and love. She does not know what it's like to have peace. She does not feel the contentment and rest of letting go of something and she doesn't have the privilege of forgiving. My heart breaks for her, because she doesn't even know that it's unnatural not to feel these things. It's become clear to me that she doesn't act the way she does because she's a bitch. She does it because she does not know how to act with love and compassion. And it makes me sad that if and when she reads this, she's going to hate me too and cast me out.
I'm sad because my parents suffer from her inability to have love and compassion. Because they have given her so much and they have done so much for her, and she is incapable of seeing it. Because they are only trying to give Brittany the same opportunities that she had to give a better life to Xavier, and to give Brittany the chance to lead a better life and she doesn't want them to.
I'm stressed because my parents are in a financial bind, and I can't help them. I'm stressed because their Durango is about to be repossessed and because my dad quit his job to start his trucking company, and now he can't find loads for his truck and hasn't worked in two weeks. I'm so MAD at myself and i'm so FRUSTRATED at the world and at life because it seems like hardships never leave my parents. Everyone tells them things will get better, it'll be ok, blah blah blah....and it hardly ever does. And I can feel their tension and their stress and it makes me SO STRESSED AND FRUSTRATED and I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
I'm sad because life doesn't get better as you get older. It gets worse. I'm sad because summers of staying up all night and sleeping all day are forever in the past. I'm sad because two years ago my family was whole and happy. I'm sad because the donkeys are gone. The sheep are gone. The chickens are gone, and the horse is leaving. I'm sad because Holly is leaving and Thing 2. I'm sad because Annebell is a mom and she loves her babies, and we are going to have to get rid of all of them. I'm sad because Chris is in jail, and i'm sad because Charity is mad at him too, and she doesn't realize her anger is unjust and unreasonable. I'm sad because I want to absorb everyones unhappiness. I want to take it all away from them. From everyone. I want to feel everyones pain and unhappiness and discomforts and stresses, just so they don't have to. And I'm PISSED THE HELL OFF BECAUSE I'M HELPLESS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF THIS FUCKING SHIT!
I have this monster in my chest. It gives me evil butterflies and makes wells of tears, and burns with frustration and hate and anger. I don't know how much I can take. This world is an evil God forsaken place, and I don't much care to dwell on it much longer.
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Wow. That's alot.
ReplyDeleteooooohhmmmmm (aweema wop aweema wop) oooohhmmm!
So, yes, your parents are stressed, OF COURSE, but it's not the end of the world. The process sucks, but I kinda think of it as a new adventure! It's just stuff. Stuff comes and goes. AND it is partially a result of having to deal with the repercussions of our (and by our, i really mean dad's, ha ha) actions over the long run. So while it is pretty stressful now (dang it, i don't want to have to figure out what to do with all this STUFF) it won't kill us. Your just a kid, for pete's sake. Well, you know what i mean! Your not SUPPOSED to be able to help (in the financial sense) We're supposed to still be helping YOU.
And it is a POSITIVE thing to understand that Charity isn't just a beeeyotch. That way, we can have love and compassion for HER instead of anger and hurt.
And hey, granny said we could have the suburban back....jsut like the old days! We always were happier when we had less! Think about THAT!
you can help dad out by talking to him and maybe making some of his phone calls and helping him figure out things that I have no clue about, and at this point could care less about....that's helping.
And there is only one place where there is TRUE peace....
just gotta find it...
I love you so much, and we ARE going to be okay, EVEN IF THEY TAKE ALL OUR STUFF AWAY! They can't take YOU away!!! You are paid for already! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!