Everyone was kung-fu fighting

Kung-fu fighting...I wish I knew how to kung-fu fight. I might just kung-fu this lady who controls me (even if for just a short time). I've met some pretty annoying people and I've met some real bitches. The lady i'm talking about THINKS she's a bitch...she almost prides herself on making people cry and she belittles those who she feels will excel beyond her (which, I will do, by the way). She WANTS to be a bitch...but she's just annoying. She's a bitch in a sense, but not in the bad ass way she thinks she is. She's a bitch in the way that makes people feel sorry for her because she obviously does not enjoy life and she blames everyone else for that. She has no concept of accepting responsibility for anything and definitley no concept of problem solving. She has a bad attitude and most of the things she complains about are things that she has brought on herself because she absolutely refuses to admit flaws on her part. She's well educated and she's got potential to be above and beyond in her position. She needs an attitude adjustment and definitely needs to take a look at her character. It really is pathetic to see someone so miserable that they insist on making life for those around them miserable to. It's sad to see someone who doesn't laugh sincerely or have a genuine smile. Honestly, I think her face is frozen in a scowl.

Chasing the Rain

My life would be so boring if I didn't have my Red Engine to drag around on my spontaneous adventures. Admittedly, I haven't had a REAL spontaneous adventure in quite some time (other then drunk chicks totally molesting me, but that doesn't count.) Anyway, yesterday after our chinese food binge, which was excellent, we made a decision to vegg out in my spectacularly clean room. As usual, the two of us do not have the attention span to sit through an entire movie without getting up to do SOMETHING during it. So we decided to take a little cruise. We were going down all the back country roads in Cottonwood when we encountered some rain. We were totally relaxed, listening to a great mix CD and each in our own little universe contemplating life and what it might bring. Looking at the sky, there was nothing but sunshine towards Artesia. However, when we looked towards Roswell, there were nothing but big fat rain clouds. Now Jen and I, being the rain lovers we are, decided to follow the rain. I drove around on some roads I am unfamiliar with, taking turns that would lead us to the big fat grey clouds, and ended up coming out on the Hagerman highway. We were right on track, chasing those rain clouds and benefitting greatly from it as we heard the fat drops hitting the top of my car and the rythm of the windshield wipers as they swished water from one side to other on the windshield, ensuring my vision was not obscured. We continued driving, with 1/4 tank of gas, $20 to my name and $300 of bills to pay, and mozzied all the way up to Dexter. We were on a journey to find the rain!! And it was one of the most AMAZING spontaneous adventures I have ever been on. It was very liberating and refreshing. If I could, I would just follow the rain forever. In fact, I have decided, that if and when I decide to escape this God forsaken land called Artesia, New Mexico it will be a semi-whimsical adventure I will take by following the rain. I will follow the rain until I am clear out of New Mexico, and wherever it may take me is where I will take root. No solid plans. No directions. No expectations. I'm just going to go with rain, and trust it will take me to a clean start.

It's been real, it's been fun. It's even been real fun!

I have just had one of the best weekends i've had in a very long time. Not that I don't enjoy the very hectic and non-stop lifestyle i've come to lead with amazingly loud and crowded concerts (I LOVE them) and the sleep deprivation. They have definitely been some good times and will continue to be good times. However, it was really nice to get some down time this weekend! I had some crazy over time last week meaning I only had to work a half day Friday, which proved to be productive as I got a lot of overdue chores done. I proceeded to have a very busy Friday night in which I made caffinated drinks for five hours straight without making a dent in the endless line that stretched out the door at The Jahva House. Afterwards, I took my exhausted little self down to the Jam Shack to rock out and play some darts. After a round of darts, in which Josh and I totally got our asses kicked by Harry, and a few smirnoffs I was pretty wound down and relaxed. When my amazing love and I finally left the shack it was 3 a.m. We made our way to the dwelling place of said love and caught some lovely rest. We then proceeded to spend most of Saturday doing absolutely NOTHING except lounging about in bed. At 3 p.m. I finally scadoozied my way home and to be totally honest I don't remember much of Saturday afternoon, as I was groggy from a day of napping. I finally caught up with Anothy again at 6:30 (even though I was supposed to be there before 6!!) and he, Seth and I took an adventure to Roswell where we indulged in some completely unhealthy and delicious deep fried Long John Silvers cusine and proceeded to go to Anothy's friends house. Jason, Seth and Anothy jammed out, making quite the music I might add, as Kelley and I sat back and enjoyed the beauty, art and talent of the amazing sound the trio made. After some unexpected "molestation" from Kelley and a desperate me trying to escape the drunk chick we made our way back to the shack at some ridiculos time (like 2 or 3 a.m. I believe) and proceeded to do more sleeping until about noon when I made my way home once more. Upon arrival, I was greeted by an enthusiastic Jennifer who was apparently very hungry and I had a total of 2 1/2 minutes at home before I was out and about again, indulging in some very tasty chinese food and some amazing crab legs (Jen and I have kind of made this a Sunday ritual.) When we FINALLY got home, we did a quick room rescue and put away three mountains of laundry and I was FINALLY able to throw on some lounge clothes and enjoy part of Twister before we quickly became restless. I have a blog space reserved for the next portion of our Sunday, as I find it one of the most signifcant happenings of the entire weekend, so keep your eyes peeled for that. After our unspecified adventure, I returned home long enough to change from lounge clothes into real clothes and skadoozie my way back to the Shack were I spent 15 minutes downing a smirnoff before my love and I made our way to the movies to watch Up which turned out to be a GREAT movie, even with the creepy mini-movie in the begining with pink clouds and storks delivering babies, from human babies to kitties and puppies. After we got back Devon Douchebag showed up and we played a few rounds of pool in which Devon royally kicked mine and Anothy's asses. The rest of the night is relatively insiggnificant to those who might be reading this so let me skip the details and end by saying I got home at about 2:30 this morning and for the third time of the weekend, got some GOOD sleep. The end!

Cause Everything is Shattered

I'm so tired of life.
I'm so tired of being torn into pieces.
I'm so tired of being stuck in the middle.
I'm so tired of being...helpless; not helpless to myself, but helpless to everyone else.
Mostly, i'm so sad and heartbroken.
I feel sorry for my sister, because she's sick. Because she's damaged and because she does not know what it is to feel compassion and love. She does not know what it's like to have peace. She does not feel the contentment and rest of letting go of something and she doesn't have the privilege of forgiving. My heart breaks for her, because she doesn't even know that it's unnatural not to feel these things. It's become clear to me that she doesn't act the way she does because she's a bitch. She does it because she does not know how to act with love and compassion. And it makes me sad that if and when she reads this, she's going to hate me too and cast me out.
I'm sad because my parents suffer from her inability to have love and compassion. Because they have given her so much and they have done so much for her, and she is incapable of seeing it. Because they are only trying to give Brittany the same opportunities that she had to give a better life to Xavier, and to give Brittany the chance to lead a better life and she doesn't want them to.
I'm stressed because my parents are in a financial bind, and I can't help them. I'm stressed because their Durango is about to be repossessed and because my dad quit his job to start his trucking company, and now he can't find loads for his truck and hasn't worked in two weeks. I'm so MAD at myself and i'm so FRUSTRATED at the world and at life because it seems like hardships never leave my parents. Everyone tells them things will get better, it'll be ok, blah blah blah....and it hardly ever does. And I can feel their tension and their stress and it makes me SO STRESSED AND FRUSTRATED and I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
I'm sad because life doesn't get better as you get older. It gets worse. I'm sad because summers of staying up all night and sleeping all day are forever in the past. I'm sad because two years ago my family was whole and happy. I'm sad because the donkeys are gone. The sheep are gone. The chickens are gone, and the horse is leaving. I'm sad because Holly is leaving and Thing 2. I'm sad because Annebell is a mom and she loves her babies, and we are going to have to get rid of all of them. I'm sad because Chris is in jail, and i'm sad because Charity is mad at him too, and she doesn't realize her anger is unjust and unreasonable. I'm sad because I want to absorb everyones unhappiness. I want to take it all away from them. From everyone. I want to feel everyones pain and unhappiness and discomforts and stresses, just so they don't have to. And I'm PISSED THE HELL OFF BECAUSE I'M HELPLESS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF THIS FUCKING SHIT!
I have this monster in my chest. It gives me evil butterflies and makes wells of tears, and burns with frustration and hate and anger. I don't know how much I can take. This world is an evil God forsaken place, and I don't much care to dwell on it much longer.

Take my hand, we'll make it I swear

I am so sick of all the stress. The stress of working for someone with the personality of satan. The stress of busting my ass to meet deadlines, and then getting bitched at for something else. The stress of my parents financial situation and the stress of my helplessness to assist them. The stress of getting up in the morning to face people I don't want to be around, and report on events that nobody really gives a flip about. The stress of an endless stretching week, and the stress of not being able to pay my damn bills on time. The stress of worrying about when my editor will blow up over some random stupid bullshit and give me a "talk" loud enough for the whole office to hear. The stress of not being able to quit this place because I don't want to stress my editor out even though she's an uber bitch. The stress of writing a monthly school board report when I don't understand half the shit they are saying because nobody had explained legislation and funding bills and blah blah blah. I just want out. I feel like i'm suffocating, and I can't escape. It's like clostraphobia at work. I'm all a jummble of unenthusiasm and pissed offness to the extent that the ONLY thing I want to do is everyday is take a shower, lay on my bed naked and watch movies while napping off and on throughout the day, and then go see Anthony at night. I know it sounds really irresponsible and lazy but i'm soooo tired of everything. I don't even want to talk to anyone or be around anyone except a very select few. My job is giving me knots and twists in my stomache that I don't like. I think i'm going to smoke a ciggy now. Thanks for reading.

If you don't know, now you know.

Today I am extremely tired. I have to stop staying out until wee hours of the morning!!! I've been TOTALLY exhausted lately. It probably didn't help that I had an extra strenious weekend. I didn't get much sleep Friday night, maybe like 3 or 4 hours! Then I had to get up and face yet another funeral. Nathan's death wasn't real to me until we went to the memorial. I haven't cried so hard since I was with my dad in the hospital. It was SO weird to see all of my brothers friends all in the same row, all with the same splotchy faces and swollen eyes. It was weird to NOT see my brother there. I would have never guessed that Nathan would have died in a car accident at the age of 23,. And it never occured to me that if Nathan ever died, Chris wouldn't be there. I never really thought of Nathan dieing, but if I had thought of it, I would not have invisioned Chris in jail. I would have invisioned him at home with us, and being broken hearted and sitting with the rest of the guys in that church with a wet splotchy face and swollen eyes. It's so weird. Everything is so weird. Anyway, after the funeral I did a facial on my best friend, and then booked it home where I proceeded to take a 20 minute nap before the guys showed up and we all booked it to Carlsbad to see Chris. He was so excited to see his friends!!!!! Then I came home and went to the Jam Shack to be with Anthony. Then I was supposed to leave Artesia for El Paso at 8 but I didn't even wake up until about 9 then I had to book it home and it was 9:45 by the time we left Artesia. We didn't get to El Paso until like 1 then we had to go to Lisa's to pick up some food and we didn't get out of there until 3 or 3:30 and then we didn't get out of El Paso until 4 or 4:30. Finally got home about 7 or 7:30 and proceeded to eat birthday cake! Then I went to the Jam Shack again to hang out with the guys and didn't get home until 2:30 this morning!!! Cheese. So that's why i'm all exhausted and I really need to start coming home at like mid-night cuz this wee hours of the morning thing just isn't gonna work!! Haha. Well, don't have much else to say. I know this is an irrelevant and pointless rant. Who really cares what I did with my weekend?? Well, I don't know who cares, but there it is in case you do care. :)

In the whirlwind

It's crazy. Crazy how used to death I am, that I'm hardly affected at all by Nathans death. There was a time when Nathan was like my brother. He was Chris' best friend, and they were hardly found apart. That's not what upsets me. Nathan and I didn't have a real solid relationship in a year or two. It's sad that he died. He just had a daughter, and he had a wife. He was just at our house cleaning our carpet. So, yes, I feel a small portion of pain for that part of it.
The thing that really eats me, that really brings down the tears, is the fact that Nathan was one of Christopher's best friends, and Chris won't even know Nathan died until Friday or Saturday. Three to four days later. Because Chris is in jail.
Another thing that bothers me is this is the fourth person that has been close to home that has died in less then a year. Zack died in early August last year, closely followed by my father who died in early October, and my uncle who died in early November. Now Nathan...who died in early May.
And Christopher. Christopher who lost his girlfriend in a car accident in 2004. Then our dad and our uncle. Now he's in jail and while he's been in there his girlfriend broke up with him and his best friend died. And he can do nothing about it. He doesn't even get to know before the funeral.
That's what really pulls the heart out of my chest and serves it to me in a million pieces.

One day at a time....

"Don't live in the events of the past, or the promise of the future. Live in today."
I often find myself making it through the day only because I think of all the things I WANT to do, all the things I COULD do and all things I know are going to happen.
I called my Mary-Kay hot line last night and Irene gave this advice to all of us. Focus on now. Get it done now. It was incredibly inspiring and moving.
Not only do I want to apply this advice to my Mary-Kay business, but to every aspect of my life. I'm a world champion procrastinator, and I always feel so down when I do that. When I get things done right away, get them over with, I always feel so much better and so much more accomplished. Why not give myself that feeling at every opportunity by seizing every moment and doing the things I know I need to do? They have to be done eventually, and there is no better time then the present!
So today, i'm giving my notice at the paper. My last day will be June 19. I will build my Mary-Kay business and I will do everything I can to give women the tools to build the confidence they need to be successful and productive. Mary-Kay is not just about slathering on some make-up. It's about feeling good in your skin. Women don't need make-up to feel good about themselves. Everyone knows that. However, I've never heard anyone complain about clear complexion and even skin tones! I've never heard a complaint about soft skin and smooth hands. The first step to feeling great in your skin, is to take care of your skin and ensure you have great skin!!
Today, I will get on the internet and I will research until I find two belly dances for Dr. Durhams party, and I will research some more until I find a Spanish guitarist for the same party. I will also call Dr. Durham and I will buy ink for his printer and I will meet with him tonight and we will research grants until there is nothing left to research. I will not be sluggish about it, I will not complain about it and I WILL have the confidence to accomplish any task he may ask of me.
And when the day is done, I might even manage to do a load of laundry. There is so much to be done in a day, let me not waste it thinking about what I want to do, or could do or will do tomorrow. I will use every ounce of potential I posses. I will do this....or maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

All it takes is a bikini....

I must say that I am severely unimpressed with some of the stupid things that go on in the world. I think the subject I am about to tear apart is on my Top 10 Stupidest Events list.
The Miss USA Pageant.
Tell me, exactly, what this contest benefits?? Surely there is more to it then I can see, because from what I'm gathering, there are a bunch of false "beauty queens" parading about in bikini's and elegant evening gowns and answering some random question. Then, if they presented themselves with just the right amount of pretty, and answer their question with even the slightest intelligence, they win the title of Miss USA. O_o....I just can't say I am a big supporter of this.
Through my tiniest little bit of research i've stumbled upon, it seems all of these ladies have something in common...they all volunteer their time to research and or support a good cause. I commend them on this. Congratulations, thank you for putting your time into that.
I think the thing that irks me the most about this is that there are A LOT of people who are trying to promote research and awareness for a lot of good causes. One in particular that I happen to be working on, with a partner, is mental health awareness. Trust me, I know the work and the time that goes into researching, promoting and raising awareness of issues such as these. (Except I don't understand why everyone wants to research cancer. I know that cancer is horrible and it kills lots of people, and that adequate research is necessary to find a cure, but just in case anyone was wandering there are OTHER DISEASES out there that need the same attention. LIKE MENTAL ILLNESSES!!!) In that sense, I can agree that these women deserve some sort of recognition. However, will someone agree with me when I say that they could be recognized in a much better way then having them parade around in bikinis ? I think I am anti-Miss USA because it seems to me that they are saying "Hey, if you happen to be a hot blonde with big boobs and a blindingly white smile, and also happen to volunteer your time into researching a good cause, then you may have the chance to wear a tiarra that is worth $202,000. Not only that but we'll also reward you with a year's use of a New York apartment, a public relations team, a two-year scholarship at the New York Film Academy and an undisclosed salary. You will also go to the Bahamas in August to compete in the Miss Universe pageant."
Let me be the one to give you a reality check. That $202,000 that was spent on the Miss USA crown that will probably not be actually worn again, or least not very often, could have been better spent on some more of that research you claim to be supporting. Not to mention the cost of actually hosting the paegent, which I can almot gaurantee is not a chep venture. Also, a free apartment, an undisclosed salary, a public relations team, a scholarship and a trip to the Bahamas?? Seriously? What they are saying here is "Hey! We want to help volunteers. We want to help raise awareness for these causes. We'll help you fund your research, give you a team to back you up, fund your trips and basically give you a full support system. The only catch is you have to look really good in a white string bikini."
It completely frustrates me, especially being a "volunteer" of a good cause myself. Not everyone who supports a good cause is an attractive blonde woman, so why do they get all this publicity and help? Don't you think all the money going into this ridiculous event could be better spent if it was disbursed throught out several differnt organizations? $202,000 alone could go to one organization for research purposes! Do you know how far my partner and I could take our Mental Awareness Campaign if we had $202,000 to kick off with? Also, the money it takes to actually host the event, the "undisclosed salary," the money going into a NY apartment, the cost of the trip to the Bahamas, and the scholarship? Hell, give her the scholarship, and use the rest of the money to give scholarships to other people with the same goals. SOMETHING! The Miss USA pageant is SUCH a waste of valuable funds that could be going into several good causes, rather then just one good cause. Is anyone else picking up what i'm laying down? I feel like i'm talking in circles here.
I leave you with that, fellow bloggers. My stomach calls for some nutrition. Let me deprive it no more.
-Adelaide

To dwell on the negative is to lead an unfulfilled life

While I intend much of my blogs to posses much more meaning then this mere poem about a coffee ring, I must say it is good kick off to much deeper topics. I would rather not drown you in insanity right away, so let's keep it simple for now, shall we?

There's a coffee cup on the table, already there is a ring.
Its been sitting there all morning, when I needed the caffeine.
But then I got so busy , and totally forgot,
About my cup of coffee, and all the coffee in the pot.
So now I sit here at the table, in dire need of sleep,
Staring at my cold coffee, and its ugly little ring.
Adelaide '06


With that said, I'm off to commit a slow form of suicide...self inflicted lung cancer. It probably won't have immediate effect, so stay tuned for future blogs.