Cause Everything is Shattered

I'm so tired of life.
I'm so tired of being torn into pieces.
I'm so tired of being stuck in the middle.
I'm so tired of being...helpless; not helpless to myself, but helpless to everyone else.
Mostly, i'm so sad and heartbroken.
I feel sorry for my sister, because she's sick. Because she's damaged and because she does not know what it is to feel compassion and love. She does not know what it's like to have peace. She does not feel the contentment and rest of letting go of something and she doesn't have the privilege of forgiving. My heart breaks for her, because she doesn't even know that it's unnatural not to feel these things. It's become clear to me that she doesn't act the way she does because she's a bitch. She does it because she does not know how to act with love and compassion. And it makes me sad that if and when she reads this, she's going to hate me too and cast me out.
I'm sad because my parents suffer from her inability to have love and compassion. Because they have given her so much and they have done so much for her, and she is incapable of seeing it. Because they are only trying to give Brittany the same opportunities that she had to give a better life to Xavier, and to give Brittany the chance to lead a better life and she doesn't want them to.
I'm stressed because my parents are in a financial bind, and I can't help them. I'm stressed because their Durango is about to be repossessed and because my dad quit his job to start his trucking company, and now he can't find loads for his truck and hasn't worked in two weeks. I'm so MAD at myself and i'm so FRUSTRATED at the world and at life because it seems like hardships never leave my parents. Everyone tells them things will get better, it'll be ok, blah blah blah....and it hardly ever does. And I can feel their tension and their stress and it makes me SO STRESSED AND FRUSTRATED and I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
I'm sad because life doesn't get better as you get older. It gets worse. I'm sad because summers of staying up all night and sleeping all day are forever in the past. I'm sad because two years ago my family was whole and happy. I'm sad because the donkeys are gone. The sheep are gone. The chickens are gone, and the horse is leaving. I'm sad because Holly is leaving and Thing 2. I'm sad because Annebell is a mom and she loves her babies, and we are going to have to get rid of all of them. I'm sad because Chris is in jail, and i'm sad because Charity is mad at him too, and she doesn't realize her anger is unjust and unreasonable. I'm sad because I want to absorb everyones unhappiness. I want to take it all away from them. From everyone. I want to feel everyones pain and unhappiness and discomforts and stresses, just so they don't have to. And I'm PISSED THE HELL OFF BECAUSE I'M HELPLESS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF THIS FUCKING SHIT!
I have this monster in my chest. It gives me evil butterflies and makes wells of tears, and burns with frustration and hate and anger. I don't know how much I can take. This world is an evil God forsaken place, and I don't much care to dwell on it much longer.

Take my hand, we'll make it I swear

I am so sick of all the stress. The stress of working for someone with the personality of satan. The stress of busting my ass to meet deadlines, and then getting bitched at for something else. The stress of my parents financial situation and the stress of my helplessness to assist them. The stress of getting up in the morning to face people I don't want to be around, and report on events that nobody really gives a flip about. The stress of an endless stretching week, and the stress of not being able to pay my damn bills on time. The stress of worrying about when my editor will blow up over some random stupid bullshit and give me a "talk" loud enough for the whole office to hear. The stress of not being able to quit this place because I don't want to stress my editor out even though she's an uber bitch. The stress of writing a monthly school board report when I don't understand half the shit they are saying because nobody had explained legislation and funding bills and blah blah blah. I just want out. I feel like i'm suffocating, and I can't escape. It's like clostraphobia at work. I'm all a jummble of unenthusiasm and pissed offness to the extent that the ONLY thing I want to do is everyday is take a shower, lay on my bed naked and watch movies while napping off and on throughout the day, and then go see Anthony at night. I know it sounds really irresponsible and lazy but i'm soooo tired of everything. I don't even want to talk to anyone or be around anyone except a very select few. My job is giving me knots and twists in my stomache that I don't like. I think i'm going to smoke a ciggy now. Thanks for reading.

If you don't know, now you know.

Today I am extremely tired. I have to stop staying out until wee hours of the morning!!! I've been TOTALLY exhausted lately. It probably didn't help that I had an extra strenious weekend. I didn't get much sleep Friday night, maybe like 3 or 4 hours! Then I had to get up and face yet another funeral. Nathan's death wasn't real to me until we went to the memorial. I haven't cried so hard since I was with my dad in the hospital. It was SO weird to see all of my brothers friends all in the same row, all with the same splotchy faces and swollen eyes. It was weird to NOT see my brother there. I would have never guessed that Nathan would have died in a car accident at the age of 23,. And it never occured to me that if Nathan ever died, Chris wouldn't be there. I never really thought of Nathan dieing, but if I had thought of it, I would not have invisioned Chris in jail. I would have invisioned him at home with us, and being broken hearted and sitting with the rest of the guys in that church with a wet splotchy face and swollen eyes. It's so weird. Everything is so weird. Anyway, after the funeral I did a facial on my best friend, and then booked it home where I proceeded to take a 20 minute nap before the guys showed up and we all booked it to Carlsbad to see Chris. He was so excited to see his friends!!!!! Then I came home and went to the Jam Shack to be with Anthony. Then I was supposed to leave Artesia for El Paso at 8 but I didn't even wake up until about 9 then I had to book it home and it was 9:45 by the time we left Artesia. We didn't get to El Paso until like 1 then we had to go to Lisa's to pick up some food and we didn't get out of there until 3 or 3:30 and then we didn't get out of El Paso until 4 or 4:30. Finally got home about 7 or 7:30 and proceeded to eat birthday cake! Then I went to the Jam Shack again to hang out with the guys and didn't get home until 2:30 this morning!!! Cheese. So that's why i'm all exhausted and I really need to start coming home at like mid-night cuz this wee hours of the morning thing just isn't gonna work!! Haha. Well, don't have much else to say. I know this is an irrelevant and pointless rant. Who really cares what I did with my weekend?? Well, I don't know who cares, but there it is in case you do care. :)

In the whirlwind

It's crazy. Crazy how used to death I am, that I'm hardly affected at all by Nathans death. There was a time when Nathan was like my brother. He was Chris' best friend, and they were hardly found apart. That's not what upsets me. Nathan and I didn't have a real solid relationship in a year or two. It's sad that he died. He just had a daughter, and he had a wife. He was just at our house cleaning our carpet. So, yes, I feel a small portion of pain for that part of it.
The thing that really eats me, that really brings down the tears, is the fact that Nathan was one of Christopher's best friends, and Chris won't even know Nathan died until Friday or Saturday. Three to four days later. Because Chris is in jail.
Another thing that bothers me is this is the fourth person that has been close to home that has died in less then a year. Zack died in early August last year, closely followed by my father who died in early October, and my uncle who died in early November. Now Nathan...who died in early May.
And Christopher. Christopher who lost his girlfriend in a car accident in 2004. Then our dad and our uncle. Now he's in jail and while he's been in there his girlfriend broke up with him and his best friend died. And he can do nothing about it. He doesn't even get to know before the funeral.
That's what really pulls the heart out of my chest and serves it to me in a million pieces.