"The Days Are Long but the Years Are Short"

The year 2013 has offered it's own days of success and trials. Days of smiles and days of tears. Days of power surges of faith and walking the line of doubt. I suppose the same can be said of every year. We all face each new year with new hopes, new dreams and new expectations. We make New Years resolutions to improve our way of living. "I'm going to lose weight this year", "I'm going to quit smoking" "I'm going to live a healthier lifestyle" "I'm not going to let life get me down". These are all some fairly common New Years resolutions. As the year carries on and life throws us for loops, a lot of these resolutions get thrown to the wayside and that's ok. I'm not here to write about New Years resolutions anyway.

My only hope for 2013 was that it would be better than 2012. And 2011, 2010 and 2009. In fact, my hope for 2013 was that I could "travel back in time" so to speak and get my life back to what it was before "real life" happened, somewhere around 2006.

I can't speak for everyone here. So i'll try not to. As a teenager my life goal was to not be a teenager anymore. Oh the bliss of being an adult. The freedoms I would taste. I would have a car and I could drive anywhere, anytime. I would have my own house and I could come and go at my will. I could make my own decisions and lead my own life. Funny how I never thought of the responsibilities that come with those freedoms.

When you have a car you have to have insurance and gasoline. It's hard to go anywhere, anytime when you don't have the gas to get very far. When you have your own house you have to pay rent. You also have to furnish that house, pay the utilities, keep your groceries stocked and keep it clean, all by yourself. Decisions, as it turns out, are not really that easy to make on your own and leading your own life at 18....well that's just not a good idea at all. Whoever said you're an adult at 18 wasn't all that smart. What 18 year old is responsible enough to be an adult?! None of them. Even though I was the "responsible" one in my family, I was the "good kid", the one who was mature for my age....I was still not mature enough or responsible enough to be an adult. In fact, I think I back tracked in my maturity and responsibility when I turned 18.

The stories I am about to tell about my life are not ones that I am particularly proud of. In fact, they are the kind that you wish you could just bury and never think about again. They are not the kind of stories that people generally publish for the whole wide world to see. But i'm going to anyway. Not as a cry for attention, more because I just feel like sharing my story.

This is not one of those stories that I can really sum up in a few paragraphs, so chances are this is going to get very lengthy.

In May of 2006 I turned 16. I had waited for my 16th birthday for so long!! As a rule for all of us kids (my older sister Charity, my older brother Chris, my younger brother Joey, my younger sister Savanna and of course myself) we were not aloud to "date" until we were 16. This meant we were not aloud to go out on a date with anyone. I had "boyfriends" (if you can call anyone at 13 and 14 a boyfriend/girlfriend) but was never aloud to go on a date with them. So when I was 15 I met a guy named Logan at an annual church convention. He lived about 3 or 4 hours away but I was so drawn to him. In January of 2006 we were "boyfriend and girlfriend". So when I turned 16 in May it was a big deal. He came down for the weekend and we got to go on our first date. Logan came down many weekends and we talked on the phone, texted, e-mailed and instant messaged each other every day. We were "in love". I was so wrapped up in his existence. We planned to get married in 2008 and had our whole life with each other mapped out. I went on vacation with him and his parents after Christmas in 2006. I was totally shocked that my dad allowed me to go. We went to San Antonio where we visited the Alamo, the River Walk and Sea World. Then we went to Corpus Christi where we visited the USS Lexington and the Texas State Aquarium. It was on of the best vacations I had ever been on. In April of 2007 (I think it was April, I don't honestly remember) I surprised Logan with tickets to his prom. My parents, bless their hearts (especially my dad who hated this whole situation from the get go) drove me to Edgewood and Logan and I went to prom. It was there that I met Milagro. I did not know it at the time, but she would later play a role in the bitter break up of Logan and I. The summer of 2007 my family moved from Roswell to Artesia. Artesia is only about 40 miles from Roswell so it wasn't a drastic move. Logan and I were still "in love" and still planning our lives together. Milagro had all of sudden become Logan's best friend. I had never heard of her until I met her at prom. Logan had told me then that she was just some weird girl. Not terribly long after that Milagro and Logan had become "best friends". It became Milagro this and Milagro that. Who was this chick?! It's like she came out of no where. Eventually Logan broke up with me and him and Milagro started dating. My heart was shattered and I felt like I would never recover. I tried to be mature and to just pray about it and find my peace. Instead I lost my mind.

In January of 2008 a friend hooked me up with his brother. They lived in east Texas but we texted and talked all the time and he came down to see me pretty often. He was a few years older than me. I thought I was moving on from Logan. Looking back, I think it was more rebound. I was pretending to be moved on from Logan. That relationship ended quickly and bitterly.

After Logan and I broke up I leaned heavily on my friend Zack. I had known Zack since we were in the 5th grade and we were best friends, sometimes. We would go long periods with talking and then we would pick up right where we left off and be best friends again. He lived in Roswell. My dad, bless his heart, had thought I was responsible and mature. I had held a job since I was 16. I worked at Corral West in the mall in Roswell and when we moved I immediately got a job at the grocery store bakery as a cake decorator. So he bought me a brand new car. A red 2007 Chrysler Sebring. I made all the payments and paid the insurance but it was with his credit that it was even possible. I took that red car to Roswell to see Zack. My little brother Joey came with me. We went to the mall and took pictures in the picture booth, we ate pizza from Munchies and we just hung out. Zack wanted us to go to the movies with him but I was on curfew and had to get home. He called my mom and begged her to let us go to the movies with him but she wanted us to come home. So we did. That was in February of 2008. That was the last time I saw Zack. He died in August of 2008.

I had picked up a second job at a local coffee shop called The Jahva House. I loved my job there. It was there that I met David. As usual with me things moved really fast. David and I became inseparable. My parents were not fond of him. I think it was then that I really started to spiral. I smoked a lot of pot with David. In only 2 weeks of knowing him, I gave him my virginity. I don't even know why. It was one of things that by the time it was all said and done I was trying to wrap my mind around what had just happened. I quit going to church and became a heathen child. I was still 17 but I didn't care. My parents gave me a curfew which I never met, resulting in me having to "break in" to our house a lot since they always locked me out. They tried to take my keys away and ground me and I was rude and disrespectful towards them. I would change all of it if I could but the thing that I REALLY wish I could change is the way I treated my parents. I did a total 180 in who I was and it wasn't pretty. I turned 18 in May of 2008 and things were not getting any better. I went to our annual church convention with my parents and I met a guy named Andrew. He was an active member of our church in Clovis, or so I thought. Andrew and I hit it off pretty good. I decided when I got home I would break up with David and Andrew and I started dating. After the convention I went back to Clovis with him and his sister to spend a few days. I thought it would be the beginning of something good. He was a good guy, an active member in our church and would be just the thing I needed to get back on track. Wrong. We drank and got drunk and did things we should not have. I got home and broke up with David (my mom made Joey come with me for fear that David would not take it well). A few weeks later I went to Clovis again to visit Andrew. We partied the entire weekend. When I got home Andrew was very distant and ended up breaking up with me. David and I rekindled for a very brief time and then it was all over. (Just as an after note here I am not blaming David or Logan or Andrew or anyone for my behavior. I am my own person and this just all goes to prove that just because you are 18 and can make your own choices does not mean that you should or are capable)

I don't remember the exact time line but I know it wasn't too long after all that happened that the next story starts. My little brother got mixed up with an interesting crowd in high school. There was one particular individual named Donald. Everyone called him Mississippi because he came from Mississippi. He moved to Artesia to reunite with his mom who was a recovering drug addict. I was working at The Jahva House and at First National Bank. I got fired from the bank (numbers and me...we do not get along) and got a job at the Artesia Daily Press as a "journalist" of sorts. The job was a favor from the editor at the paper who was a regular customer at The Jahva House. I'm sorry to say I royally screwed that job up due to my life choices. Anyway, I did community interest pieces and somehow I landed the beat of writing an article on Donald's mom and her recovery as a drug addict. For whatever reason Donald became quite infatuated with me and called me constantly. We hung out a lot and had some what of a fling going. I didn't want to seriously date him but I seriously loved the attention he gave me. In the mean time I had started hanging out with a guy named Anthony who I had met at the Jahva House. I think that is when my life really took a bad bad detour. It was bad as it was but this was the worst. Anthony bought me booze and we would smoke a lot of weed. He was quite a bit older than I was (in his 30's when I was only 18). He was in a band and they practiced at this old garage building which they called "The Jam Shack". There were parties there every weekend and I was at all of them. One night Anthony tried to make a move on me and I rejected him. He started crying (yes literally crying) and said he didn't understand why I would go for this Mississippi guy who was just a teenage punk but I wouldn't go for him who had done anything I wanted him to. Talk about a guilt trip. Again i'm not sure of the time line on all this.

I don't really know where to fit this part of the story in since I'm not sure of the time lines. At some point everything just started blurring together. Anyway, I suppose it must have been September 30th or so I got a phone call from a random number. I answered it and they were looking for my older brother Chris. I have no idea how this person got my number. I gave the phone to Chris. It turns out the phone call was tell Chris that my biological father, Russell Peppers, was in the hospital. I didn't know any details beyond that. I went to the hospital with Chris and after waiting for about 30 mins or so the people who called (relatives of my Russell's girlfriend, Staci, I think) told us that Russell had attempted to hang himself. Finally the doctor called my brother and I in and said my dad was stable and we could see him. What they failed to mention was that stable meant stable on life support, not actually stable. So we have the thought that he is ok and walk into the room expecting to see him responsive only to find him in some sort of coma with tubes and pumps and medical equipment sustaining his life. The Artesia hospital said they were airlifting him to Albuquerque because they were not equipped to treat him. Chris, my uncle Roy and Staci headed to Albuquerque that night. I guess that must have been a Tuesday. I went to work the next day and asked if I could have Friday off (as that was payday) so I could go to the hospital and be with my brother and my dad. Word had spread around my work place about what had happened. I was still working at the bank at this time. I will never forget what those people did for me that day. The other tellers that I worked closely with went around the entire bank, to every department. They took a collection for me. People at the bank that I did not even know donated money so I could go to Albuquerque that day. They let me off work and sent me with more than enough money for my gas and be able to share gas money with my brother and sister. The prognosis on my dad was not looking good. They did a CT scan and there was no brain activity. Chris said his hands were so cold. I drove to Edgewood and asked a friend to pick me up and take me to Albuquerque as I have incredible city driving anxiety. The way people come together and help others in time of tragedy gives you hope for humanity. My sister hauled to Albuquerque from Phoenix. We had all made the decision to take my dad off life support but we would wait until we were all together. Once my older sister arrived we all took our time to talk to our dad and do what we needed to do. Then we gave the ok to pull his life support. He sustained life on his own for 45 minutes before taking his last breath. Idon't remember the exact time, which is strange since I thought I would never forget it. I believe it was around 1:45am on October 2, 2008.Watching someone take their last breath is something that can not be explained. It is an experience that nobody should have to go through.

My dad was not a great dad. He was not a great husband. He cheated on my mom and treated her badly and when my mom left him he was not around for us kids very much. He chose a life of drugs and bad decisions. He spent many of his years in prison for drug charges. However, despite all of that, I had started building a relationship with him. I loved him my whole life even though I didn't know him well. I desperately wanted to know him. I wanted to help him. The year before he died I had started going to see him every now and then with my brother Chris (Chris had a very close relationship with my dad). I tried to build a relationship with him and we did have some relationship, even if it was weak and damaged. The guilt and the desperation that I felt watching him die was miserable. I just wanted him to wake up and take him home and take care of him. I wanted to pull him out of his bad life and make him better. The thing with drug addicts is it doesn't matter how much YOU want them to get better. Drug addicts don't actually care what you or anyone else thinks. They don't have the ability to care about anything beyond their next fix. They don't have the ability to love anyone or to be any sort of human. I believe that drugs literally suck out your soul. I don't know what demons my dad faced in his life. I don't know why he felt he needed drugs. I know there was a lot of mental illness there. I don't know what all of his diagnosis were but I do know he was diagnosed with mental illnesses and for a very short time, when he was on prescription medications, he was at least semi functional. I find some consolation in the fact that my dad had a number saved for a drug counseling service. I will never know if he ever tried to use it. I will never know if he ever really wanted to use it. But it was there. At one point or another he at least thought about reaching out for help. The other consolation I have is that in my dads wallet we found 2 things that I will never forget. One of them was a piece of paper I had given him the year before when I saw him at the grocery store I worked at. I wrote my name and my number down and gave it to him in case he ever wanted to get in touch with me. He never used that number but he saved it. The other thing we found that I will never forget is another piece of paper with my older sisters number on it. I gave it to him when I went to visit him one time.Again, I don't believe he ever used the number but the fact that he saved them, that he put them in his wallet where he would always have them, spoke something to us. We had my dad's body cremated and we held a memorial service for him. I got a tattoo on my shoulder that says "...You're running free". There is a dragon fly under those words and his birth date and death date under that. If I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn't have gotten that tattoo. Not because I don't love my dad but having a tattoo for him doesn't really mean much. He's gone and I don't know if he knows the tattoo is there but I imagine it doesn't matter much to him. Regardless of what his after life holds (and I am not one to make speculation or judgement on that. Everyone likes to think their loved ones have gone to a better place but who knows?) I think that all he wants for his children now is to live life differently than he did.

I'm sorry this has gotten so long and the story kind of got off track there. Unfortunately, i'm not done. There is more story to tell.

By April of 2009 I had parted ways with Mississippi and had "officially" started dating Anthony. To this day I can not explain why. I never really felt that way for him but for whatever reason I just went with it. I really expected it to be just a short fling of sorts and move on with my life. I really wish that had been the case. We partied all the time and I made irresponsible choices. My 14 year old cousin was staying with us after my uncle died (he died in November of 2008 due to aggressive leukemia. He went into the ER after losing his eyesight, was diagnosed with aggressive leukemia and died 3 days later. My cousins watched their dad die just as I had watched mine die. The difference was that their dad was raising them and they had a very close relationship with him. The grief I felt for the loss of my dad could never measure to the grief they were experiencing). I am not proud to say that I took my 14 year old cousin out with me to party every weekend. I was such a poor and failing example of what an adult should be. I struggle with that reality to this day.

In July of 2009 things were not good. My dad (my REAL dad...not my biological dad) was working in the oilfield and with the economy crashing his job was in danger. Hours had been drastically cut and he was simply not bringing in enough. After a heartbreaking attempt at starting his own trucking business (that went south for reasons I'm not even sure of...) my parents decided their only option was to file for bankruptcy for the second time in their life. They lost everything....again. I had just started working at a non-profit organization for developmentally delayed adults as a job coach. My family decided they should move to Texas with my moms brother (my Uncle Jim). They took over the payments on my sebring (short back story....some of Joey's friends took my sebring out for a joy ride one night and decided to drift it...they drifted it right into a light pole crushing the entire passenger side. Since I did not report the car as stolen and did not file a police report, insurance would not fix it....) and took the poor crashed car to Texas. I (stupidly....very very stupidly) decided to stay in Artesia. I moved in with Anthony, his mom and his 2 younger siblings. (Yes....this 30+ year old man lived with his mom and younger brother and sister....despite his claim to be an independent man.....although, in his defense he did pay her mortgage...).

Since this has already gotten so long I will try to make this as brief as possible. I was living with Anthony and his family. I had no car. I walked to and from work (occasionally getting rides from Anthony or someone else). At first everything was la di da di da. In no time at all I was completely miserable. I was sick of the partying life style. I was sick of being stuck in a cramped bedroom and not feeling comfortable in the house I was living in. I was miserable. I was depressed beyond being functional. I went to work, I came home, I slept, I woke up and went to "The Jam Shack" and curled up on a couch and slept while everyone else partied.

In July of 2010 my little brother Joey decided to run away. He was 18 at the time so it wasn't really necessary for him to run away. I think he was having issues of his own. He walked/hitch hiked his way to Amarillo and refused to have any contact with any of us for a week. I was at a church convention with my mom and Savanna in Happy, TX when Joey called me to come pick him up. When I finally found him he was beat up and dirty. He had been sleeping in a park when he was jumped by 6 guys. His face was bruised, his ribs were bruised, he hadn't bathed in over a week and he had a blister on the entire ball of his foot. I took him to the convention grounds where we were staying and he got cleaned up. He stayed with us at the convention and when it was time to leave he decided to come to New Mexico with me and live at my grandmas with Chris. It was to be his senior year of high school but he decided he was dropping out and didn't want to finish school. After some coercing from his football coach, me, Chris and my parents he finally agreed to go back to Texas and finish high school. I took him to Plains, TX where his football coach met us at Dairy Queen and drove him back to Cotton Center. Joey went back to school and went on to graduate in June of 2011. That was one of the proudest moments in my life. Not for me, but for Joey. I was so proud of my baby brother. He was the first in our family to graduate from a traditional high school. He was the first to walk in a cap and gown and receive a diploma on stage. I have never been prouder of him.

Now to back track a bit.It was September of 2010 I decided to move to Texas with my family. I feared telling Anthony because even though I was miserable I knew he would not understand and I knew he would be crushed. I did not want to hurt him. Eventually I did tell him and I went to Texas and spent a blissful week with my family where I was the happiest I had been in literally years. I didn't actually break up with Anthony when I left. So when I tried to talk to him and he totally ignored me I couldn't take it. After a week I decided to go back to New Mexico. I got my old job back and stayed at my grandma's for a month before Anthony let me move back in.I had advanced at my job working as a receptionist. I worked at the front desk for a long while. We continued to live at Anthony's mom's house and I continued to be miserable. His mom is such a loud explosive person. She yelled all the time and we had gotten into a few screaming matches. I couldn't stand her. I couldn't stand being cooped up in our cramped bedroom and not feeling comfortable being in that house. Anthony's mom was very demanding of him and his money. Anytime she wanted to take the kids to the movies, it was on Anthony's dime. When it was time to pay bills, she always came to Anthony. I still don't understand the way they worked out their system but it doesn't really matter now. I just know I could not stand the way things were and I HAD to get out of that house. I felt like I was slowly being drained of anything good. In May of 2011 on my 21st birthday things were really bad. Some girls that I worked with wanted to take me out after work for my first legal drink. I asked Anthony all day if I could go and if he wanted to come. Finally he said he didn't care, do what I want. So I went out with the girls after work. I asked Anthony over and over to come out with us and he refused. I hadn't eaten that day and I drank a lot, really fast. I was incredibly intoxicated and embarrassed myself in front of all my co-workers. Thankfully none of them held it against me and I remain in touch with most of them to this day. Someone gave me a ride home and Anthony was ironing a shirt. I do not really remember what all happened. I think I started yelling at him because he didn't come out with us. We got into this huge fight and I was crying. I got violent with him and he got violent with me and we were screaming at each other. His mom came in and got in my face and started screaming at me and I started screaming back. I really don't remember the details, just that there was a lot of screaming. Anthony finally started giving me the silent treatment. I do not know what came over me but I decided to take a lot of pills. I took some Vicodin and a lot of ibuprofen. I don't even know how much. Anthony started screaming and I just remember telling him "Well I'm not happy here and I'm not happy without you so I don't know what else to do!" I think it's needless to say I spent that night in the ER. Apparently I didn't take as many pills as I thought I had because they didn't even pump my stomach. Basically I got a diagnosis of being intoxicated.

Near the end of 2011 I heard a rumor about a house becoming available for rent through the company I worked for. I inquired about it and finally got the go ahead to rent when it became available. I had tried to talk to Anthony about moving into our own house before but communicating with Anthony was about like communicating with a brick wall. If he didn't like what I was saying the whole thing turned into a twisted mess and before I knew the conversation was totally off topic and I couldn't even make sense of what happened which often left me speechless and confused. Finally I had him convinced to move into this house. It didn't become available until the first week of January 2012. His mom was not happy about us moving out. I thought once we moved into our own place things would get better. They didn't. I was still miserable. I took one day at a time, each night praying desperately for a way out of this situation. I knew I had put myself here but I wanted out so bad. I just didn't know how to get out. I thought I was stuck forever. I didn't know how to break up with Anthony. Even though I couldn't stand his existence, I still didn't want to hurt him. I had no idea how I would ever be able to leave, no matter how miserable I was. I just took each day as it came and tried to make the most of it.

In March of 2012 Chris and I met my parents and my little sister Savanna at my sister Charity's house in Phoenix for spring break. Joey had to stay in Texas and work since his request for days off had gotten messed up somehow. It was one of the best weeks I had had in so long. It was amazing to have my family together (sanz Joey, who we called frequently to tell him we wished he was with us and that we missed him). We hung out together, went to the zoo and just had good quality time together. It was there that I fell in love with my first shih tzu. My sisters shih tzu Chux was the cutest and friendliest thing. I decided then that someday I wanted to own a shih tzu.

 Chris and I drove back to New Mexico on St. Patrick's day. We got home around 11pm and found a party happening at my house. There were drunk people everywhere, including a drunk chick who was awful close to Anthony. I rolled with it even though I'm pretty sure it was evident I was not happy about it.

In April of 2012 a co-worker of mine had a litter of shih tzu puppies she was selling. In all the chaos my life had been the last few years I had also lost my pug dog "Pugsy Snortus" and my wienie dog "Shorty". Since I had already decided my next dog would be a shih tzu I found this to be the perfect opportunity to add to mine and Anthony's life. He was not for it at all but I eventually convinced him to let me buy one (I was going to do it anyway. The thing is, I paid rent, I paid the bills and I bought the groceries. Essentially, it was my house and Anthony was just living there. Anthony's contribution to our household was booze. The rest of his household contribution went to supporting his mom and siblings). I picked out a male puppy and decided to name him Obidiah Gage and call him Obi. When I finally got my puppy I was so happy. The puppy was a little shy at first and didn't like being crate trained but it adjusted. A week later I found out my male puppy named Obi was actually a girl puppy. She got a new name, Jazmine Obidealia. Jazz for short. Jazz made me happy. We bonded and she became my best friend. She loved me soooo much and I loved her. Her personality was perfect and I knew she a perfect match for me.

I continued to struggle through the days and pray desperately at night that God would help me out of my situation. Life was down right miserable. I enjoyed my job and loved my co-workers. I loved my house and I loved Jazz. I could not stand living with Anthony. Everything he did and everything he said made me cringe. I tried to maintain the peace, hold my tongue and just take life one day at a time. I'm pretty sure I called my mom crying on more than one occasion. Every time she told me to just pray.

In June of 2012 my life changed in a way I thought it never would. My entire family was altered and we faced something that we never thought we would have the ability to face.

My little brother Joey was spending the weekend in Lubbock with some of his high school friends. This was not an unusual occurrence. Sunday, June 10, 2012 I got a phone call from Charity who was bawling her eyes out. She said Joey was missing under suspicious circumstances. I had no idea what she was talking about. The suspicious circumstances were that he was standing outside the apartment with one of his friends late Saturday night. Someone came to talk to the friend and when she turned around Joey was gone. Nobody knew what happened or where he was. The police said they couldn't file a missing persons report because Joey was 20 years old and if he wanted to walk off and never talk to us again that was his right. My parents searched and searched for him.

Monday morning I went to work. I wasn't sure what to think. Was Joey ok? He had to be, didn't he? He had done this before, when he ran away. But he left a letter that time. Did he get drunk and wander off? Did he meet someone and go for a walk and pass out? What happened to Joey? My family and I had posted many "flyers" about Joey's disappearance on Facebook. People shared his information. I was torn. If I worry, does that make me a drama queen? If I don't worry does that mean I don't care? I didn't know what to do. Word had spread around work. I was trying to decide if I should go be with my family and help look for Joey or if I should sit tight until there was more information. This is another time in my life I will never forget. I had decided to wait until payday to go be with my family as I really didn't have the money for the trip. For the second time in my life I got a glimpse of humanity that rekindles your faith in people. My co-workers gathered the funds, did a quick training on my duties so they could do them while I was away and sent me to go be with my family. I went home still debating if I should go. I decided I would go and tried to call Chris to see if he wanted to come with me. I couldn't get a hold of him so I called my grandma. I talked with her some. She handed the phone to Chris and we were discussing what we should do. The phone cut out. When I got my grandma back on the phone the first thing she said was they found Joey's body in the lake next to the apartments he was at. I sank to the ground, I sobbed and yelled "Oh my God....no no no no no no no no no no no no no no......"........and there was no more debate on going to my parents house. I drove to work in distress, simply because I didn't know what else to do. I called my dad who, bless his heart, was fielding calls left and right from me and my sister Charity. He told me to pull over, that I could not be driving in the state I was in. Work was just around the corner so I parked and I ran inside to my bosses office, ignoring everyone in my path. I dropped my keys and my phone in the hall and she pulled me into her office and sat on the floor with me, holding me in her lap and rocking me, trying to settle me down. I will never forget that act of kindness. The president of the company had picked my phone and keys up and answered when my little sister called. He told her I would call her back. Another friend/co-worker of mine came into the office and sat with us on the floor and tried to calm me down. They got in touch with Anthony for me and he came and picked me up at the office. We made the journey to my mom's house. That entire week at my moms as we tried to figure out what was going on was so chaotic. Things are such a blur. There were people everywhere. People coming to bring food, people coming to bring comfort. It was chaos and madness....and another view at humanity at it's finest. People who cared so much about us. People who prayed for us. People who thought of us. There were cards and phone calls. There were donations for Joey's funeral. There were people surrounding us in love. I prayed the night before they found Joey. I prayed to God that we would not find Joey's mangled body in a ditch and that he would be ok. Some people might say that prayer wasn't answered. I believe it was. I believe Joey was ok. He just wasn't ok in the way I wanted him to be. My mom and I talked. My mom said she believe there were angles with Joey immediately. That any pain or suffering he may have had was taken care of immediately. While Joey was not humanly ok, Joey's soul was ok and will be for eternity. While the selfish human parts of us want Joey to be here and it's a struggle we face everyday, we know that Joey does not have to face the pains and trials of this life ever again. Joey struggled with adult hood. He had anxieties and struggled with what to do with his life. He doesn't have to deal with those things anymore. He is safe and he is takien care of and while that is hard for us because we miss him so desperately it is such a comfort to know that he is free from the things we struggle with each and every day. He is free from every hardship there is in this world. The day we laid Joey to rest was a very trying day. Nobody wants to lay their 20 year old brother, cousin, friend, uncle, grandson and most importantly their 20 year old son 6ft under in a casket. Nobody ever thinks that is something they will face. But it something some of us have to face. Not just my family, but many families.

The most important thing that came from Joey's death was my family's spirituality.I had already been praying desperately to get out of my situation. My prayers became even more desperate. If I died, is this really the life I want to say I lived? Is this life I want others to have seen? I started going to church with my grandma every Sunday morning. There was a change in everyone in my family. I think satan tries to use tragedies like this to draw us away from God. To make us doubt him and question him. To make us turn against God. It was the prayers of my mom, the prayers of my Grandma, the prayers of all those who love us and the prayers we all prayed that brought God closer to us than he had ever been. The comfort of God filled my moms house that week. From the floor to the ceiling and wall to wall God was there. His comfort was there. He drew closer to us than ever before and even in our grief it was impossible to doubt Him.

In August of 2012 Charity moved from Phoenix with my niece Natalie. She moved to my parents house in Levelland. We all felt an overwhelming need to draw close to each other. I went to visit my family more than I had ever visited them in the 3 years since they had moved to Texas. I decided to move home to and put my plan into place. I continued to pray desperately.

To back track once more, shortly after Joey died I emailed Matt Hill to let him know. Matt had been a traveling minister in our church for many many years. He knew our family and I wanted to let him know what happened to Joey. I had kept in touch with him for years but hadn't talked to him since 2010. I didn't even know if his email address was still valid. Matt emailed me back with his condolences. We began talking frequently like we had in the past. I learned he was now living in Ohio. Due to some health issues he was no longer able to be a traveling minister in our church but was still an active member. Matt was such a great support for me during this time in my life.

Once my plan was in place to move home I told Anthony. I didn't know HOW to tell him and to this day i'm not sure that I told him in the right way. I told him I was depressed and I was going home. I told him it was nothing personal to him and he had been a great friend but I didn't want this anymore. He was sad and asked if he could come with me. I told him I didn't want him to come because his life was in Artesia and he would never be happy with me in Texas. I told him this on September 28. The next day I put a months notice in for my job and my house. My last day would be October 31.

In August I had started running. Thinking back on it I think I started more to impress Matt than anything. I had always had a thing for Matt and I was developing a "crush" on him again. I did love running though. I decided I wanted to run a 5k. Running was amazing. Being a smoker, it was not easy to run. I had to stop and walk it out a lot because I just could not breathe. But I really wanted to do it. I wanted to accomplish something and feel like I followed through with at least one thing in my life. So I ran. And I ran. And I ran. Running felt so good. My mind was clearing out of a fog and I was feeling better than I had in a long time.

The last month at work was amazing. I loved my job and I was so sad to have to leave but all of my co-workers were supportive. I loved to be at work. I started training my friend Kare for my position. We had great times in my little office. I counted down the days on my dry erase board. Sometime during that time Matt invited me to go visit him in Ohio. I thought it would be a good opportunity to get away from everything I was struggling with and just wind down a little bit before I moved home. I booked my flight for November 1 with a return flight of November 10. Anthony was not happy when he found out I was going to Ohio. The truth of the matter is, I did not leave Anthony for Matt. A lot of people see it that way, especially a lot of people in Artesia. I think Anthony saw it that way too. He felt like I deceived him and did him wrong. Maybe I didn't do things the way I should have, but Matt or no Matt I was leaving my life in Artesia. I could not possibly have gone on living that life. It was destroying me.

On October 31, I worked my last day. I finished cleaning out the house I was leaving, I packed up what was left of my stuff, I took care of all the lose ends and I went to pick up Jazz at Anthony's new house. I said my goodbye, Anthony cried and told me he would be here if I wanted to come back. I smiled at him sadly...I didn't know what else to say or do. And then I left. The relief I felt was incredible. I felt like I could breath like I hadn't been able to breath in years. I felt like a heavy burden that I had carried for far too long was lifted.

I ended up wrecking my car that night. Just outside of Lovington, nearly halfway to my parents house. I hit a patch of gravel and lost control of my car. It veered into the opposite lane and onto the grass on the side of the road. My car did a total 180 and rolled onto the passenger side where it got stuck in a barb wire fence and hit a gas connection. The whole thing went in slow motion and yet happened so fast. I was in shock. Jazz and I escaped out of the back window. A car passed by and then turned around and pulled over to check on us. They called the cops for me and I made contact with my family. The thing that I should probably not admit, but am going to admit anyway, is I was on the phone with Matt at the time the accident happened. I told him what had happened and he talked to me slowly and calmly and tried to walk me through what to do. He called my mom for me. The cops came and the ambulance came. My uncle who lives in Lovington came and sat with me as I waited for the tow truck and my sister and brother in law to come pick me up. Jazz and I walked away from that accident unscathed. I had a small scratch on my head where I had caught the barb wire when I was escaping. That was all I had to show that I had been in that accident. The tow truck came, the cop signed my citation, the EMT's evaluated me and Charity and PJ took Jazz and I home. The next day, I flew to Ohio. I spent a little over a week there spending time with Matt. Even though I had developed quite a meaningful "crush" on Matt I was not sure what his feelings were. I was in Ohio for a day when things just fell into place. There was no official "Will you be my girlfriend?" type questions or statements. It just was. And before I left Ohio we decided we were going to get married. Again, there was no official proposal. It just was.

I flew home from Ohio and spent some amazing quality time with my family. I didn't have a car. I didn't have a job. I was living in my parents crowded house, the place I had once wanted to escape so badly. But I wasn't worried. For the first time in a long time I felt peace. I felt like I had finally taken control of my out of control life. Actually, that's inaccurate. I felt like I had finally let GOD take control of my out of control life. In December of 2012 Matt moved from Ohio to Texas. Life finally started to feel like real life and not a nightmare.

So here we are, finally the year of 2013. I didn't find a permanent job until February of this year. On February 11, 2013 I was hired on at South Plains College library as a technical librarian assistant. The job was far from what I was used to. I had come from a very fast paced stressful environment. This job was so much different. Even though I got bored sometimes, I really enjoyed the change of pace. It was nice to not be stressed to the max at all times and my co-workers at the library were all great people.

On February 22, 2013 Matt and I got married and I moved into his little one bedroom apartment. I hated that apartment! It was tiny and cramped and had the ugliest paneling I had ever seen. But it was our apartment and eventually I did come to love it in a very strange way. Matt stepped up to the plate and was everything I could have asked for in a husband. I have tried my best to be a good wife. Our marriage, although not even a year old, has definitely had it's struggles. We both have our issues and are both learning what it is to be a husband and a wife. We have had some ugly fights but are slowly learning how to have a healthy mature marriage.

In March of 2013 my mom and I ran our first 5k. We had been training, however inconsistently, to participate in the Color Run. I can't say I was very proud of my time and I had to walk more of it than I wanted to but I did finish it and it was one of the funnest experiences I've ever had. I'm glad my mom and I were able to participate in it together. We were color blasted by the end of it!

In April of 2013 Matt and I made our first big purchase as husband and wife. I was still without a car since wrecking mine in October. I fell in love with a 2013 Nissan Versa SL. We were both surprised when we learned we qualified and decided it was in the budget for us to purchase it. Even though my first car was a brand new car, this was the first big purchase that I had made without my parents signing or co-signing. I know it's just a material thing but I am very thankful that we were able to buy my car. I can safely get to where I need to go without worry that the car might break down. The worry about me wrecking the car....well I don't know if that will ever go away!!

In June of 2013 we face Joey's one year anniversary. We all agree that it's actually kind of harder now than it was before. All the shock has worn off and desperately missing him gets harder each day we don't get to see him or hear him. We all deal with it in our own way. Mostly a lot of praying. We only talk about it occasionally. Not because we don't care or because we have forgotten Joey. It's because we have to carry on with our lives, even when we don't want to. We have to take it small steps at a time and in small doses or the grief will consume us.

In July of 2013 Matt and I were having a very hard struggle. Things were looking pretty bleak. Matt convinced me to see his psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It's actually more of a mood disorder than a personality disorder. I deal with rapid cycle mood changes that often don't really have a trigger, or at least not an obvious one. I now take 20mg lexapro every morning. Some people are opposed to prescription medications. I was definitely leery of them after seeing my mom go through an awful time with medications. I still believe my mom didn't have a good doctor and he was over medicating her and maybe even with the wrong medications. My mom now deals with her diagnosis of Bipolar II with holistic healing and I think she is amazing for it. It takes a lot of time, energy and discipline to do the things she does but she handles it beautifully and holistic healing works wonderful for her. After starting my lexapro (lexapro is an SSRI - Selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) is a very low dose anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. It does not make me feel zombied or drugged in anyway. I have not felt any side effects of it. I do feel more level headed and clear minded than I have in a very very very long time. I feel more stable than I have in a long time. I have also been able to conquer my city driving anxiety and confidently and happily drive around Amarillo and Lubbock anytime I need to without having a panic attack or a full on mental melt down. My psychiatrist also instructed me to meditate on a regular basis and gave me coping skills beyond medication to implement in my everyday life, particularly on rough days.

In August of 2013 Matt and I moved into our first "real" house together. It was a rental house but we were ok with that. My Jazzy girl was allowed to live with us there. She had been staying at my moms because we could not have her at the apartment. Matt was working at Lowes Home Improvement store as a Sales Specialist in the flooring department. The job was really taking it's tole on him. Customers daily cussed him out and were rude to him. He was the top of sales in his store and did a great job. Some people just have no common courtesy. It was a struggle for him to continue his job to support us. I was working but there is no way my income could have supported us.

In September of 2013 Matt got a job offer with one of his friends and fellow church members in Amarillo. He started going on his days off to learn the trade of tile work. He was offered a full time job and we began making plans to move.

In October 2013 Matt quit his job at Lowes. He started staying in Amarillo during the week and coming home on the weekends. We decided we would buy a house in Amarillo instead of renting. We started the process and it turned into a 2 month nightmare. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong with this house. The loan was approved and then it wasn't approved and we had to find a co-signer and then the type of loan we were approved for changed and we had to have a special inspection and then it didn't pass inspection and we had have some repairs done. When it finally all went through and it passed it's final inspection we went to the closing table. Our original closing date was November 15 but since everything went so haywire it got pushed to November 22. It was at the closing table we learned that the seller was no longer paying $3500 closing costs since she had replaced the roof. So we paid $3500 more than we were expecting to but we FINALLY closed on our house. It was a disaster and I am convinced I will never buy another house again, so we better really love this one.

On November 11 I found out I was pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy. Matt and I had decided we had reached our goals financially and we wanted to expand our family. Being a mother has been my life long dream. Maybe it doesn't seem like such a big dream to some but for me it's always been my dream to be a stay at home mom. There was a time in my life when I thought I had royally screwed those plans up. It was devastating when we found out the pregnancy was ectopic and was not viable. My body had started trying to miscarry naturally but when my levels started rising again we had to terminate with methotrexate. That was on November 30. I am still dealing with the effects of this. It feels like a never ending nightmare. I have been bleeding for 2 months, the pain comes and goes but it is uncomfortable to walk, I can't move certain ways, I can't do certain things. It's really hard for me on several levels. For one, I am so emotionally drained that I thought my dream of being a mom was finally coming true, only it's not. For two, I am a very busy person. I like to be doing things. It's very hard for me to "take it easy" when I want to be up doing things. I want to deep clean the house everyday and make fabulous meals and start my furniture projects and run errands. But I can only do a little at a time. I continue to pray desperately.

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind button in life. I think we all do. There are certainly a lot of things I would change and do differently. But if I did, then would I have learned anything I have learned? Would I still be the person I am today? While I do not love the person I have been, I am learning to be at peace with the person I am now. I am not perfect and I  can't say I love myself, but I have come a long way. I have learned to pray and to trust God. Life does not always go smoothly. Life does not always follow our plans. Sometimes life hands us things that we have no idea what to do with and a lot of times we put ourselves in situations that we didn't realize were that bad. I was so lost and so miserable at one point in my life.I thought I had made choices that were so bad that God could never reach me and draw me out of the life I put myself in. I was on my way to getting out but when Joey died the urgency to get right was over powering. I do not know what God's plans were when Joey died. I don't know that God made it happen as much as he let it happen. I am not mad at God that he let Joey died. I have seen too much good come from such a traumatizing experience to be mad about it. I think satan really wants to use a lot of life's experiences against us and to turn us away from God but I also think that God wants to use everyone of life's experiences to draw us closer to him.

Who know's what 2014 will bring? I don't. I try not to put any expectations in the new year. You never know what's around the corner. I don't think life is so much about the experiences we go through. I think it's about how we take each experience and what we do with it. Will we allow it to change us for the better, or will we let it drag us down to misery and desperation?

The motto I want to take and make for 2014 is simply this:

"In doubt, there are no answers,
 In faith, there are no questions."